Barely Bear

Dear Agony Bear,

Me also a bear (love your work, by the way) but lately I haven't been feeling like myself. I've lost that "me eat you" get up and go. Yesterday me watched an entire school of salmon swim by my stream, without swiping once. For a minute, me actually marveled at how pretty they were. This morning a rabbit wandered into my den and me just watched it sniff around and leave.

how do me get back my precious urge to kill?

Sincerely,
Why me not want eat you?

Dear Why me not want eat you?,

It sounds like you have a real case of the Mondays. Try not to beat yourself up, sometimes we all feel a little off. Make sure you get enough sleep and exercise and if all else fails, remember you can fake it til you make it.

If a camper gives you a marshmallow from an open car window, don't just take the marshmallow - make sure to bite the entire arm off. The next time that bunny wanders in, rip off his arms and legs and throw his limbless corpse into his burrow. Even if you don't want to kill it, you can't let those bunnies know you've gone soft. When all else fails, take a good look in the mirror and tell yourself "ME A BEAR, ME A BEAR, ME A BEAR." it always works for me.

p.s. where you live? do you have nice den? sounds like you have plenty of salmon and bunnies to eat. Me just wondering. me promise not to track you down and maul your face off when you are most vulnerable. ME A BEAR.

AGONY AT WORK

Dear Agony Bear,

I've been in my current job for over four years but I'm still in an entry level position and I can't seem to move up within the company. Last week Bruce, (a male colleague with less experience that I have) was promoted above me, and I was once again left feeling dejected, frustrated and under appreciated.

I enjoy my job but I feel as though my good work is not being recognized. I don't know how much longer I can stay here if my male colleagues don't take me seriously.

Can you help me? What would you do?

- Overlooked in New Orleans


Dear Overlooked,

I can understand your frustration. Even in 2011 it can still be very difficult for women to excel within male dominated industries.

If me were you, me would work to increase visibility within the office. For example, try organizing the company summer picnic. Take your male colleagues deep into a forest, rip 0ff their legs and chew on their faces for a while. That should make you feel in control of your destiny.

If that proves too difficult, just surprise Bruce in his cubicle, tear off is cheeks and use them to make a stew, or in your case, a spicy gumbo!

Remember, outside of African Americans, Hispanics, women and the disabled, bears are the most disadvantaged sector of society. Me a bear :(

Bridesmaid Agony

Dear Agony Bear,

I'm finally planning my wedding after a long courtship (8 years!) and a long engagement (3 years!). My fiancee and I are so excited, but as the wedding approaches I've started to worry about my bridal party. My fiance has invited 4 friends to serve as his groomsmen. I have picked out 4 friends as well, but I don't know how to tell my other 3 good friends that they will not be bridesmaids without hurting their feelings. What would you do in my shoes?

-basket case bride




Dear Basket Case,

Congratulations! Planning a wedding can be stressful. The stress and emotion involved in planning the big day can exploit already existing issues in interpersonal dynamics. I understand your concern, but remember: this is your day. Talk to your friends, let them know how important their friendship is to you and why it is simply not feasible to invite everyone who is important to you to be a bridesmaid. If I were in your shoes--

Oh wait, if I were in your shoes, me take off shoes. Me eat extra 3 bridesmaids. Then me maul and eat remaining bridal party. Me chase terrified groom up tree, me maul body and me fling it from tree. Then me drag you by the neck to my cubs for them to devour because ME A BEAR.

Agony Bear

A lot of people ask me for advice, so me wanted to start a more formal advice column on Bear Agony.

Here's the inaugural edition:

Dear Agony Bear,

My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I love him and want to be with him, but I like my own space. What would you do?

-Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Sharing a cave, den or one bedroom apartment is a big step for anyone. If you think it's too soon, then you're probably right. However, maybe there's a larger issue at hand. It sounds like your partner wants to take it to the next level and is hoping for a similar commitment from you. Maybe there are other ways you can show your commitment, like--

Oh wait, me sorry, just saw you wrote "what would you do?" Me would maul your boyfriend, play with lifeless corpse like a beach ball, then eat him, then eat you, because ME A BEAR.

Road Rage

This morning on my daily commute to work, a driver cut me off on my bicycle. I caught up to him at the next light and politely explained that he had not signaled, causing me to almost crash my bike. When he brushed me off I realized, me no need bike because ME A BEAR. Me smash bike into window and then eat him because ME A FUCKING BEAR. Don't cut me off.

Bear Dilemma

What will I have for lunch today chicken croquettes? Spinach salad with aged aggiago? Or perhaps a spring quinoa salad? But which scrumptious treat will I choose? They're all healthy, tasty choices that will keep me fit for the summer. Oh wait, I don't care, because ME A BEAR. I eat them all and then I eat you too.

A Bear don't Bare

Many friends and colleagues think Bear Agony is about opening the soul, and laying oneself bare to the world. I often explain it is bear not bare. Once satisfactorily clarified, I eat them, because ME A BEAR.